nut chat

Nuts.  Welcome to nutchat.

I'm nuts4nuts.  Not all nuts.  And not nutz.

Cashews, they're the kings of the nut world.  Almonds, peanuts, yeah they're pretty good too.  Those Blue Diamond smoked salted almonds, they put up some mean game.  Cashews be nervous!  But cashews, man.  Cashews always win.  King Nut.

Peanuts understand the power of numbers.  They just dominate the nut world through sheer volume.  They're the zombie hoard of nuts.  Eventually, you will succumb.  You will ingest peanut.  And you will either fucking like it or die.

On the other hand, why do people like macadamias so much?  I found a brand-spanking-new-never-been-opened can in my cupboard last night and decided to bring them to the office because they need to be eaten.  But about eight nuts in, I'm sitting here wondering why they're so goddam prized.  They don't have a nice nut texture.  Cashews and peanuts, nice texture.  Water chestnuts, nice texture.  These little monkey testicles?  Un-fucking-pleasant.  Nor do they have a good taste.  It's like they're trying to be substantial, they want to be an elite nut, they tell people, "Hey, we're elite fucking nuts, you gotta pay to get us in your mouth!"  But they're not elite.  They're not worth it.

Anyone want a mostly-full can of macadamias?

Release the Krampus!

Yes, the Krampus is being released tonight at the Austrian Club in Richmond, BC.  Please please please send your children there.  It's your responsibility as a parent.  As a human, really.

the return of... well, me.

Where the heck has the past two and a half years gone?  So much time has passed, yet so little has changed.

Well except the relevance of the last post, perhaps.  I now have two children.  But that is IT.  Good with two.  Happy with two.

Oh, also, the 49ers are good again.  So that's pretty great news, hurray!

Anyway, so glad to see that there has been a light skimming of traffic here while I've been away.  For example, someone from Thrissur, Kerala visited here 3 months and 11 days ago.  I didn't even know where Thrissur was five minutes ago (India), but that's pretty super.  I hope my return does nothing to hinder said light skimming of traffic.  Come back again, Thrissur, and read the Sex Doll post whenever your spirits need a lift!

Hullo??

the one and only

A friend and I were discussing only children earlier, and he sent me this list of famous only children. It's pretty interesting. Misconceptions or not, my impressions of only children, using that great generalization method that I love, are as follows: receive extraordinary amount of parental attention, leading to over-achievements (or let's say higher-achievements), but also without sibling competition for said attention a skewed sense of place in the world.

Is that wrong? I think it can be, for sure. But check out this list. Again, it's pretty fascinating.

The One And Only_1: Famous Only Children

(And obviously I'm hoping for a Natalie Portman, or Joe Montana but of the LPGA, or da Vinci, or even Sir Isaac Newton. Alicia Keys, maybe. Or Betty White, what the hell. Please please please not Laura Bush, and to be clear, it's not a political issue - because even worse would be Tipper "Parental Advisory" Gore!)

xmas - belated

Yeah I know it's February.

Wait, it's F'ing February already?!?

Breesus, what has happened to time?

Anyway, before I forget, the thing to the left was my favourite Xmas present. Well, actually it was the best present my daughter got. But it's a good one.

Tina Fey does Sesame Street! Uh, that sounded a lot worse, and weirder than I could possibly intend, poor Tina. But, yeah, Tina Fey on Sesame Street!

It's bizarre to see, but on the other hand, why can't a father and daughter enjoy some quality time watching a dvd together? This just facilitates it.

Oh, check out the best part: you can see Tina's thoughts! And, Ms Fey, behave yourself, please. At least for now...

Um. Hm.

Yeah. Okay. Just stepping back, taking an objective look at the situation, the pirate outfit and the muppets. Maybe this has officially gotten too weird.

it's the most wonderful time of the year

A friend of mine recently introduced me to The Krampus. I'd never heard of this creature before. Until recently, neither had he. I see from Wikipedia that it was mentioned on Stephen Colbert the other week, but who really watches that show?

Krampus, you horrible troll, where have you been all my life?

As the aforementioned friend is the father of daughters, he has up until now been working at a disadvantage to Austrians and other Teutons everywhere. Apparently the Krampus has a thing for terrorizing little girls in particular (I am unable to find any reference to "birching" of little boys, no matter what degree of little shits they are). And, being the father of a daughter myself, I am now fortunately armed with the ability to stem any and all further bad behaviour.

The Krampus!

Let me just show you a little from Wikipedia:

St Nikolaus (window, left) is a jolly old soul. The Krampus, aka Darth Maul, not so much. Bad for you, you bad fucking Fraulein.

(Also, Austria / whoever painted this picture has to sue George Lucas for a zillion dollars. Has to.)













This one is even better:

Everyone runs in terror except for Dad, who's just chillin' and smokin' some dope shit. And once again, St Nikolaus is an impotent bastard for not intervening on the evil troll from Led Zeppelin 4 who's abso-fucking-lutely going to make that little boy love the Battle of Evermore.
















Ah, I can actually feel my Christmas spirits being lifted. Suddenly I understand that old line, "It's the most wonderful time of the year."

Merry Christmas everybody!

cost : benefit ratio you won't even believe

I love yahoo, it's so awesome. It's the best web-based email server. How can it be considered better than gmail, you ask? 'Cause every day features at least one awesome life-coach-type of magazine article on the front page where you sign in. And I don't know how they do it, but they offer their always-incredible advice for free!

Let's check today's feature, shall we?

Oh goody!








Best-paying jobs in America:

1. Chris Rock
2. actor from Grey's Anatomy
3. being a white male



Insightful!

I'm positive no one drew this with his greasy fingers

Christ visiting a Florida hospital window? Whatever. Jesus on a grilled cheese? Dude, so yesteryear! Naw, man, the messiah has moved onto this dude's Isuzu.

kids are amazingly perceptive

Miley Cyrus voted worst celebrity influence of 2009, even beating out Britney and Kanye.

kind of heartwarming

Football is an amazingly brutal sport, both physically and mentally. A guy like Vince Young rides into the league with only the highest of expectations, and is now and has been for two years relegated to side-car status, being driven around by a pretty marginal QB in Kerry Collins.

Anyway, I digress. What impresses me and restores my faith in humanity - and professional athletes - is that for all the horrible stories of murders and DUIs and general stupidity, once in a while there emerges a pretty heartwarming counter-story.

Steve McNair, the man was obviously not a saint, but he was a man who contributed to his community. So it's good to see that Vince Young is contributing back to the McNair household. This story actually almost, almost brought a tear to my eye. Weird.