What I'm Gonna Waste My Eyeballs On This Summer (Small Screen)

Those folks over at UPROXX put together a summer viewing / premier schedule which is super helpful, but not as helpful as if they found out what channels everything's gonna be on in Canada, and then paid for any channels not currently in my cable package (HBO), and then programmed my PVR for me.

Just kidding. It'd probably be better if I just ignored most of these shows.

Because seriously, I watched The Strain last summer and holy shit it was awful. And like many of the commenters in the UPROXX article, I watched till season's end. Why? Because I'm stupid, and it's stupid, and somehow it linked up a bluetooth stupid TV to stupid human cortex interface. It's all rotting garbage. Except for the rat exterminator. Why, Guillermo, why?

Hannibal, on the other hand, I'm just so goddamn on the edge of my seat for season three to start. It's the best show on TV (I haven't watched True Detective, it's true - but I really don't see how something could surpass Hannibal). Yes I went in biased because I love the (first two) books (and to some extent the other two) as well as the Silence of the Lambs and Red Dragon movies. Yet, shouldn't those high expectations have set me up for a huge fall? Well, they did not. The show is beautiful and written well and acted superbly and also everything sounds spooky and great. The production values are amazing, it's a mini movie every week. Hell, I ended up writing a whole FAWM 12 song concept album about Hannibal. Bryan Fuller do you hear me yet?? Fund my album please!

Here's the season three trailer (get ready for lots of Dana Scully, people!):



Speaking of Scully, I will similarly give Aquarius a go just because Fox Mulder is such a charming bastard. Damn you and your hatred for Vancouver's wet climate, you charming bastard!

Sense8, Dark Matter, Mr Robot (? maybe ??), Humans, I might give them a try (if I can find the corresponding Canadian network) again because I'm stupid and place disproportionate value on science fiction (see the Strain above). That said, I have three seasons of Orphan Black and The Americans (not sci-fi, I know) on my PVR (not to mention a season and a bit of the Bridge (American) plus a slew of stuff on the Netflix) that I can pretty much guarantee would make for better viewing than any of those shows. Maybe I wasn't built for binge-watching, and that's why all that good TV is still just sitting there.

Comedies:

Blunt Talk with Captain Picard? YES PLEASE. I mean, look a this. The man knows comedy.

Why? With Hannibal Burress? YES PLEASE. I saw Hannibal Burress live a couple months ago, holy moly it was the most surreal ... thing ... that I've seen for a long time. It was stand-up, but it was also performance art, and basically just a whole lot of fucking with your senses and sensibilities (differently than how Jane Austin did it). But he was brilliant and hilarious.

Also, lobsters - who knew?

Wet Hot American Summer? Yes please. Yeah, I'm curious, just not all-caps enthused like the previous two. I've never seen the movie but the cast is pretty great, so. (Speaking of, and as an aside, where can I find Party Down in viewable form??)

Bojack Horseman, yes well season one is still in the Netflix queue. Rick & Morty, I've heard good things but damned if I know which channel if any it plays on here. Key & Peele, yeah every once in awhile I catch them on Comedy Network and it's funny in the way sketch shows are. Which is to say, it hits and misses.

In Summary:

Must see TV (drama): Hannibal, True Detective (must get season one first), maybe Aquarius.
Must see TV (comedy): Blunt Talk, Why? (Hannibal), Wet Hot American Summer maybe.

I guess putting 'Hannibal' in your title guarantees my viewership.

nut chat

Nuts.  Welcome to nutchat.

I'm nuts4nuts.  Not all nuts.  And not nutz.

Cashews, they're the kings of the nut world.  Almonds, peanuts, yeah they're pretty good too.  Those Blue Diamond smoked salted almonds, they put up some mean game.  Cashews be nervous!  But cashews, man.  Cashews always win.  King Nut.

Peanuts understand the power of numbers.  They just dominate the nut world through sheer volume.  They're the zombie hoard of nuts.  Eventually, you will succumb.  You will ingest peanut.  And you will either fucking like it or die.

On the other hand, why do people like macadamias so much?  I found a brand-spanking-new-never-been-opened can in my cupboard last night and decided to bring them to the office because they need to be eaten.  But about eight nuts in, I'm sitting here wondering why they're so goddam prized.  They don't have a nice nut texture.  Cashews and peanuts, nice texture.  Water chestnuts, nice texture.  These little monkey testicles?  Un-fucking-pleasant.  Nor do they have a good taste.  It's like they're trying to be substantial, they want to be an elite nut, they tell people, "Hey, we're elite fucking nuts, you gotta pay to get us in your mouth!"  But they're not elite.  They're not worth it.

Anyone want a mostly-full can of macadamias?

Release the Krampus!

Yes, the Krampus is being released tonight at the Austrian Club in Richmond, BC.  Please please please send your children there.  It's your responsibility as a parent.  As a human, really.

the return of... well, me.

Where the heck has the past two and a half years gone?  So much time has passed, yet so little has changed.

Well except the relevance of the last post, perhaps.  I now have two children.  But that is IT.  Good with two.  Happy with two.

Oh, also, the 49ers are good again.  So that's pretty great news, hurray!

Anyway, so glad to see that there has been a light skimming of traffic here while I've been away.  For example, someone from Thrissur, Kerala visited here 3 months and 11 days ago.  I didn't even know where Thrissur was five minutes ago (India), but that's pretty super.  I hope my return does nothing to hinder said light skimming of traffic.  Come back again, Thrissur, and read the Sex Doll post whenever your spirits need a lift!

Hullo??

the one and only

A friend and I were discussing only children earlier, and he sent me this list of famous only children. It's pretty interesting. Misconceptions or not, my impressions of only children, using that great generalization method that I love, are as follows: receive extraordinary amount of parental attention, leading to over-achievements (or let's say higher-achievements), but also without sibling competition for said attention a skewed sense of place in the world.

Is that wrong? I think it can be, for sure. But check out this list. Again, it's pretty fascinating.

The One And Only_1: Famous Only Children

(And obviously I'm hoping for a Natalie Portman, or Joe Montana but of the LPGA, or da Vinci, or even Sir Isaac Newton. Alicia Keys, maybe. Or Betty White, what the hell. Please please please not Laura Bush, and to be clear, it's not a political issue - because even worse would be Tipper "Parental Advisory" Gore!)

xmas - belated

Yeah I know it's February.

Wait, it's F'ing February already?!?

Breesus, what has happened to time?

Anyway, before I forget, the thing to the left was my favourite Xmas present. Well, actually it was the best present my daughter got. But it's a good one.

Tina Fey does Sesame Street! Uh, that sounded a lot worse, and weirder than I could possibly intend, poor Tina. But, yeah, Tina Fey on Sesame Street!

It's bizarre to see, but on the other hand, why can't a father and daughter enjoy some quality time watching a dvd together? This just facilitates it.

Oh, check out the best part: you can see Tina's thoughts! And, Ms Fey, behave yourself, please. At least for now...

Um. Hm.

Yeah. Okay. Just stepping back, taking an objective look at the situation, the pirate outfit and the muppets. Maybe this has officially gotten too weird.

it's the most wonderful time of the year

A friend of mine recently introduced me to The Krampus. I'd never heard of this creature before. Until recently, neither had he. I see from Wikipedia that it was mentioned on Stephen Colbert the other week, but who really watches that show?

Krampus, you horrible troll, where have you been all my life?

As the aforementioned friend is the father of daughters, he has up until now been working at a disadvantage to Austrians and other Teutons everywhere. Apparently the Krampus has a thing for terrorizing little girls in particular (I am unable to find any reference to "birching" of little boys, no matter what degree of little shits they are). And, being the father of a daughter myself, I am now fortunately armed with the ability to stem any and all further bad behaviour.

The Krampus!

Let me just show you a little from Wikipedia:

St Nikolaus (window, left) is a jolly old soul. The Krampus, aka Darth Maul, not so much. Bad for you, you bad fucking Fraulein.

(Also, Austria / whoever painted this picture has to sue George Lucas for a zillion dollars. Has to.)













This one is even better:

Everyone runs in terror except for Dad, who's just chillin' and smokin' some dope shit. And once again, St Nikolaus is an impotent bastard for not intervening on the evil troll from Led Zeppelin 4 who's abso-fucking-lutely going to make that little boy love the Battle of Evermore.
















Ah, I can actually feel my Christmas spirits being lifted. Suddenly I understand that old line, "It's the most wonderful time of the year."

Merry Christmas everybody!

cost : benefit ratio you won't even believe

I love yahoo, it's so awesome. It's the best web-based email server. How can it be considered better than gmail, you ask? 'Cause every day features at least one awesome life-coach-type of magazine article on the front page where you sign in. And I don't know how they do it, but they offer their always-incredible advice for free!

Let's check today's feature, shall we?

Oh goody!








Best-paying jobs in America:

1. Chris Rock
2. actor from Grey's Anatomy
3. being a white male



Insightful!

I'm positive no one drew this with his greasy fingers

Christ visiting a Florida hospital window? Whatever. Jesus on a grilled cheese? Dude, so yesteryear! Naw, man, the messiah has moved onto this dude's Isuzu.

kids are amazingly perceptive

Miley Cyrus voted worst celebrity influence of 2009, even beating out Britney and Kanye.